Don't give in to FEAR!!!

I am putting on my big girl pants and trying out an “advanced” class at the gym.  Sounds harmless and non-threatening, yet I find myself freaking out.  I have been planning to progress from the 2 workouts per week to the advanced rate of 3 per week for about a month.  Planning and psyching myself up.  This morning, it hit.  POW!!! That knot in your stomach (“I don’t want to do this”) feeling that I can always use as an excuse to delay that change. 

It is not the 3^rd class that is the problem, it is the unknown of what will happen during class.  What kind of exercises will we do?  How many people are in the class?  What if I barf? What if I faint?  I could go on and on.  What is it about new experiences the really ratchet up the anxiety for me?

Is it because my life has become so structured to better meet the needs of a child with Autism and anxiety?  Is it because it seems so much easier to just take the familiar road?  To be honest, I have struggled with the anxiety of the unknown for my entire life.  I don’t run 5k’s anymore because I would get so stressed out before the race that it was not enjoyable.  The weeks leading up to a new year in school cranked up the stress to the boiling point of the “sleepless” nights days before.  I HATE meeting new people.  Not the people themselves, but the “newness” and getting to know you phase. 

I am coming to recognize that much of this anxiety comes from the way I view myself.  I have noticed that I compare myself to other people and somehow find myself lacking.  There are “eyes” everywhere right?  Everyone is looking at me and my “bulge” of shame and thinking “What a loser!!!”  I am walking up to fill my drink at the local fast food restaurant and am sure everyone is watching finding fault in the way I fill my cup or my choice of beverage.  I can psych myself up and say “who cares?”  but, the problem is “I DO!”

I recognize this flaw in myself and the fact that the anxiety appears to grow each year.  I am working on this.  I have to really cling to the NEW that I have decided to try and really focus and force myself through the initial experience until the NEW  is routine.

 

So, choice time.  Do I use the excuse?  Or do I put on my big girl pants and do it anyway?  Now that I am a mother I find that I have to suck it up and do it anyway in many cases.  I am trying to teach my children to seek out new and exciting experiences and not give up just because it is uncomfortable.  I can look back and draw on a similar experience that will help.  In this case, I think about the classes I have been taking and how good I feel when I am done.  I picture “Ramon” (my bulge of shame) melting as I progress and power through each uncomfortable experience and…

I put on my shoes and head to the gym!!!

https://fitatforty.myitworks.com/Shop/Product/478

http://www.helpguide.org/mental/anxiety_self_help.htm

http://www.anxiety.org/

Try doing what your trainer told you to do in the first place!!!

Since my last post I have gained 20 pounds and am sporting quite the "bulge" of shame.  I have tried the diets, the pills, the trainers.  The best results have come when I have paired my efforts with someone who knows about health/wellness and movement.  I believe in getting help when you need it!

So, why am I where I am now?  To begin with... My Son.  I mentioned in a previous post, that my son is struggling with weight issues and is getting bullied and teased at school.  I am not a good person to ask about health and wellness and am at a loss on how to help him.  I don't want him to have the same body and food issues that I struggle with, so I found a man in our city who is quite good and runs a kid fit program.

My son has been learning how to strength train properly and more importantly, how and what to eat.  He is learning that your body is what it is and you cannot change your basic body type, but you can improve strength and mobility.  You can help your body become efficient at processing calories and you can learn to love yourself.  On a particularly tough day, I was telling him he needed to go train and he asked me what my workouts were like.  I was working with a different trainer in a women's fitness program at the time.  I LOVED my trainer and the girls I worked out with.

However, in an effort to keep my son motivated, I decided to change over to his trainer and do his workouts so that we could commiserate on the journey together.

This is where all of my so called wisdom went out the window.  First thing I was told is that I don't eat enough.  What do you mean?  I am eating 900 - 1200 calories a day.  Yeah I have been plateaued for about a year, but I'm good... right?  Change in plan!!!  You need to eat your RMR (what the HECK is an RMR?)  Resting Metabolic Rate www.restingmetabolicrate.net .  You need to feed your body the calories it needs just to survive, then exercise to create a deficit.  WHAT!!! I had no idea what my RMR even was... I went to the local college and had a quick test done.  2203 calories is what my body needs just to lay around and breathe.  How can I eat 2203 calories a day????  That's just crazy talk!!!

"If at first you don't succeed, Try doing what your trainer told you to do in the first place!"

It is there on the wall in black and white every time I step into the gym.  I focus on it during a particularly difficult 40 second set.  I cling to it with every extra calorie I shove into my mouth.  Trusting my body and my fitness to my trainer.  It is a very hard thing to do when everything you have ever learned or experienced tells you something different.

Maybe this diet pill will work.  Or this eating plan...(NOT) 

Well let me tell you right now.  You want to get fit and get results?  You have to put in the time and the sweat and you have to trust.  Do what your trainer told you to do in the first place!!!

 I am trusting my child and my body to the capable hands of my trainer.  I have begun increasing my caloric intake.  First to 1750 per day, now to 2000.  Guess what?  I gained weight!!!  But, I was told that I might.  The body needs to get used to the new caloric input and become efficient once again in utilizing energy.  I am doing the work and I am going to keep going!!!  More important, now I have a good base to help my son achieve his goals.  We are doing it together.

This time I am trusting that mind/body wellness will come with the continued trust and effort.  I have HIGH expectations and a LONG term goal.  I am teaching my child the RIGHT way to care for his health and hoping to build a lifetime of "healthy" for him.

The scale will NOT define me!!!

I had an epiphany yesterday while I was at the massage therapist.  Not a zen induced euphoria, but a true a ha moment thanks to my therapist.  I was bemoaning the fact that I had put on 25 pounds and now in the process of losing weight I had already lost instead of continuing on my journey to wellness.  I mean, I have lost and gained the same 50 pounds more times that I can count and it is extremely depressing to know that I am re-doing the work… again.

 She simply said “Once I let go of the idea of the scale and what the world thinks I should weigh, it was much easier to just work on my best self.  If I feel good in my skin, then I am good.  Don’t get so hung up on that number.   If I go on a trip, I have a good time, eat what I want, and know that I will resume my program when I get back because that is what makes me feel good.”

Wow!  When I go on vacation, I eat and play, then beat myself up when I get home and get on the scale.  Sometimes it takes me weeks to resume my program because I am so discouraged by how quickly I can gain weight.   I am the kind of person who weighs in the morning and evening.  I can tell you how much the average bowl movement weighs because, yup, I weighed before and after.  I have been so caught up on the scale and what it is telling me about myself, that I am missing the journey.  I don’t concentrate on how my body feels and what it is telling me.   

For example, last night’s workout was upper body in the extreme.  My shoulders are starting to round out and look really good.  The scale tells me I am failing.  My body is trying to tell me that it is getting stronger and more healthy. 

I want to feel good in my skin, but unless I can pay attention to my body during this process, how am I going to know when I do?  What about that time that I have hit my goal?  How will I continue to make healthy choices if I don’t realize how truly crappy I feel when I don’t? 

I know that I personally cannot get rid of the scale.  I need to see it and be accountable to it.  However, I also need to pay attention when my body is telling me that we are making progress.  Sometimes the scale takes a while to get with the program.  I need to celebrate those little moments that keep me motivated when the scale says…”You are up!!!”  Celebrate the fact that I made it to the studio for a workout.  Celebrate that I made a healthy food choice at lunch.  Celebrate the healthy feeling.  Simply Celebrate a happy moment. 

I am going to work on body awareness so that I can be more mindful as I progress.  Can you say “oooooohhhhmmmmmmm”.

http://www.thewalkingsite.com/scale.html

http://www.sparkpeople.com/resource/wellness_articles.asp?id=691

If a kid can do it...

I have now included my nine year old son in my fitness journey.  He has a body type like his father and tends towards being overweight.  Because of the spotlight that has been placed on obesity, he finds himself being teased and put down by peers at school, and I am very sad to say also adults.  We had an incident at a restaurant where a grown man brought him to tears by calling him chubby.

Having no clue about children's fitness or diet I decided to find somewhere that I could get some help and learn how to help him.  There is a trainer in Tooele who does a Kids Fit program.  I have to say I was doing quite the happy dance when I found him.  The program includes 3 weekly workouts and a food plan.  I don't really want to get crazy on the food plan but do want him to learn healthy habits.

One thing this program offered was one free "Trial" workout.  So, I went home and talked up the trainer and the program.  "He is really fun!  There will be other kids and you can learn to workout safely for your body".  My son agreed and we went that week.  Oh man.  That was a HARD workout.  I am watching this little boy do pushups, lunges, pullups, shoulder presses etc.  They did four circuits with a 1 minute break in between each set just like I am doing in bootcamp.  One thing that really struck home as I am watching my son, obviously in pain and wanting to stop.  He "Stuck it out".  He did not stop once and did each and every set as directed.

In the car on the way home my sweet boy says.  "Mom, can we just increase my activity?  I don't think I like to workout".  I really had to laugh.  I then made a deal with him.  If you go, then I will make sure that I do my workouts just as hard as you do. 

Ok, so I will admit that often I find myself on the floor gasping for breath, crying on the inside during my workouts thinking "Please just make it stop!!!"  Often I then reduce my effort for a quick rest.  This amazing little boy just kept going.  So, my hero is my son and I have to think to myself as I am wanting to rest... "If a kid can do it..."

I CAN DO THIS!!! 

You want me to do what?

One of the best things about this bootcamp programs is that each workout is different.  They are all hard, but each is different.  In the three years I have worked out with Mariane, I have never ever done the same workout twice.  Where does she get this stuff?

When I walk into the building and see "Stations" I know that I am in trouble.  It means timed circuits.  Each one more painful then the next.  Then I see Ms. Pagnanni and all I am thinking is BURPEES!!!.... Nooooooo.  My burpee form is really ugly.  My stomach muscles are not quite strong enough to "jump" out everytime and I do a few, then start stepping them.  I can see myself in the mirror.  Stomach flapping, weird squat, awkward stand.  I am practicing at home so they won't be so funky looking, but so far, no go.

At this point I have a choice. When I walk in, I have to decide for myself. This is your workout.  Are you gonna leave it all out there? or are you gonna just go through the motions?  Tonight, I kinda was in the middle.  At several points I found myself kneeling on the floor panting and thinking... "nope".  Then I would remember, that No is not an option and go again.

At the end of the workout, I was sweating and tired, and gasping for air.  However, if I am honest, I probably had some more in the tank. This morning my muscles are screaming!  "Oh! hurts so good!".  I forgot over the last few months of inactivity how good it really feels to push yourself and find out what you can really do.

Some might not be ready to go full out on this kind of program, but you will never know until you try.  I have been that girl.  The "fattest" one in the class struggling with form and a few pushups.  Guess what.  You never know what you can do until you do it.  The sense of accomplishment you get from this is A-MAZING!!! 

You will find yourself wanting to do more and see more.  In short, your life seems more full.  I wish everyone I know could/would just try.  Go for a walk if you can't run.  Do one more pushup than you did last time, just progress and see what you are made of.  You will be surprised.

What do you want?

During orientation yesterday I caught a few things I guess I did not hear before.  The first was about goal setting.  What do you want?

I am sure I have heard the information, but maybe I was too busy/lazy to really think about it or maybe I was not ready to put in some serious contemplation.  I would usually just throw down my old standard.  I want to be thinner or I want to be able to keep up with my kids.  Those work right?  I have always held to the idea that if I were thinner I would be happy.  If I could just lose 50 pounds I would be happy.  All my current problems would be solved because I would be that fitness model you see in the magazines.  She's happy right?

Well, I have lost and gained the same 50 pounds for the last twenty five years and I have not found that blissful golden feeling I have been expecting each time.  If my goal was to lose that 50 pounds, then well... goal accomplished right?  WRONG!!!  Why then do I find that each time I slowly slip back into old habits. (ok, so most times I jump back in head first.  Grabbing handfuls of sugar and fat as I go down.).  Why do I find myself sitting in my car snarfing down that package of cookies I bought at the store that I don't want anyone to know about?  It's funny.  Here I am thinking that I am sneaking in some "extra" goodies and no one will ever know.  However, the evidence quickly shows up in that jiggly bulge over my pants and the tight shirts.  The headaches that re-occur.  The crappy energy and depression.  "Yeah, no one notices that!"

This time the question really resonated with me.  "What do you want?"  It was not as simple as what you want.  The question went on.  "What are you willing to do?".  "How will you get there?"  "What will motivate you when it gets tough?" Excellent questions.

I realized that a goal is more than "what I want".  You have to see it, you have to feel it, and you have to be willing to change your actions to get there. 

I have been thinking about that question now for two days.  "What do I want"?  I want to be thinner.  Okay, so what are you willing to do?  In my head I am thinking.  "Move more, Eat less".  Then I thought, "for how long"?  How long do you want to be thinner?  Until Easter?  Memorial Day?  Until the day you are so stressed you reach for the all comforting blanket of fat and sugar?  So maybe the be thinner goal is too vague.  I could say I want to keep up with my kids, but my kids are now pre-teen and teen.  They barely move anymore and I can lap them walking from the fridge to the couch so that won't motivate me much.

"What do I want"?  I want to feel good in my skin.  I want to be able to move and work when I want to and when I need to.  I want to age gracefully so that I can still do the things I want well into my older years.  I want to be an example for my children.  I want to love myself regardless of my shape, size, or weight.  These are long term goals and I realize that I may always be working on them.  So for the short term.  I want to finish the 10 week fitness class knowing I have given everything I had.  I want to eat clean healthy food.  I want to be able to move more easily and decrease the joint pain I have with osteoarthritis.

"What will I do"? I will go to each and every workout class that I possibly can.  No lame excuses.  I will eat healthy whole food following the menu as closely as I can without including grains.  I will do an extra 3 hours of cardio during each of the ten weeks.  I will take one day off to rest.  I will NOT put myself down and I will NOT use the phrase "I CAN'T"  I will read this every day and recommit. I will focus on what I want.  I will celebrate each and every success. (No, not with a food treat).

"What will motivate you?"  I will focus on the now and how my body feels each day.  I will think about each improvement no matter how small.  I will remember how bad it feels to stop moving.  I will think about how much better I am able to move each and every day.

Wow.  This stuff is powerful.  I personally think that you have to re-commit everyday.  Write down your goal and then tell yourself each day what you are going to do that day to take one more step in the journey. 

Day 1 - Women's Wellness Bootcamp

One thing I have realized along this journey is that for now, I cannot do this alone.  I need help staying on track and getting motivated to move forward.  Luckily, I have found a fitness class in my neighborhood that specializes in fitness for women.

It does not matter if you have never exercised before or if you are a veteran mover and shaker.  The message is "Make each workout YOURS".  Move at your level, but keep moving!!!

I have been in the group for a while, but have taken some time off.  I thought I was ready to go it alone, but quickly caved to the siren call of the television and junk food.  Today feels as if it is really my first day.  The scale looms as if it waiting to scream out my failure.  SHE GAINED 25 POUNDS IN 3 MONTHS!!!  WHAT A LOSER!!!  The humiliation is HUGE.  I know some of the women in the class.  I have cheered them on for months.  I know in my heart they will support me as I move on, but my head is shouting discouragement.

I packed my workout clothes the night before so that I will not have the excuse of "I forgot my clothes".  Then the wait and the arguments in my head.  I'm tired.  It won't matter if you just miss the first day.  It is soooo cold (8 degrees).

At the end of my workday I trudged down to the restroom to change my clothes and head out to class.  Yes!  I won the battle!  I actually made it!  Got on the scale and did the measurements.  Very sad to see how far I had gone down hill over the last 3 months, although I knew it... I just did not want to see it.

Now that I have my starting point I am ready to go!  Then the words FIT TEST echo in the room.  Oh man!!

The fit test helps you to know where you are at the beginning of the boot camp.  You then test at the end to see how far you have come in the 10 weeks you spend at class.  I have to tell you, I went all out.  I did not want to have my numbers be totally awful.  I mean, I have been working out for 3 years, I can do this.  Maybe I should have given myself some wiggle room for next time.  Although the fit test consisted of only 7 exercises and about 15 minutes I seriously could barely support my own hefty weight as I left the room.  I forgot about the 60 steps I needed to get to the car.  The 2 squats in and out of the car.  The 16 steps up to my bedroom.  So sad that I was completely done in.  Just 15 minutes had left me a puddle of jellly.

I am looking forward now to getting stronger and healthier as the days go on.  Dead in 15 minutes on day 1.  The adventure of the next 10 weeks is gonna be GREAT! (right?).